Streams of Consciousness

I have a friend who I might describe as “too Catholic”. When I told him how badly I fucked up my life recently he told me that doing bad things doesn’t make me a bad person, and that as long as I repented and did good things instead of bad things, then I could still be a good person. That’s fine and all but shame is a powerful motivator for doing better, and if I don’t receive enough of it to change my behavior then I think I will need more motivation. To that end I want to start a blog of my own. An anonymous blog,
but one where I can document both my thoughts and hopefully my progression towards being a better person. There are a lot of things about myself that I need to change in order to be a better person, and writing this first post on an aircraft where my neighbors can read it over my shoulders is not making this any easier.

To start with I thing I need to take stock of my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve been living a bit too much in a childhood fantasy land thinking that if I put my mind to things then I’ll succeed, but it doesn’t always work that way. I need to be more honest about myself and be willing to drop things that I’m not good at. Digging too deeply into an area I was not good at is what got me into this mess.

I do think I have the skills to succeed in science, I just don’t know where.

I do not think that I should stay in places where I feel I constantly need to get away. If I’m working somewhere where I just constantly feel I need to get the hell out at the end of the day and run away, then something is terribly wrong, and no amount of money will make it right.

I think I need to focus my energy inward, I’m too caught up in the past. They say the best revenge is a life well lived and I need to have one of those.

As for other strengths and weaknesses, hopefully those will come to me as I continue this blog and my career, but for now I think just putting words to paper is cathartic, if perhaps not very useful in the short term.